Like any other couple, Nikki and I discuss love a lot. Why, what for, what did we do to deserve–these sorts of things. Reassuring one another, and building upon the foundation that we have. I figured I’d take my thoughts to a blog entry!
This is always really hard with any relationship, without doubt. Maybe not if you’re some kind of paragon of self-confidence, but most of us really aren’t. We like being told why we’re worth it–and that’s okay. When I was younger, I needed constant reassurance here. I’d ask girls I was dating why they liked me, or what they saw in me to begin with. I had virtually no sense of self-worth, because honestly I didn’t even like myself. Maybe if I heard it from them it’d cheer me up, I thought. But both because of the immaturity of the love, and really the difficulty of answering that question, most could never provide a direct answer.
“Oh, y’know… stuff.” Sure–that helps. Or even better, “Everything, of course!” This is a pretty common result when they don’t really know you as a person yet, I’ve found. This lingering doubt can fester and really crush your confidence even further. If you don’t like yourself, and you’re relying on someone else to like you to make up for that–you’re probably going to hurt yourself and push them away. But how do we handle conquering this doubt and prevent it from ruining things for us?
Trust Each Other
Trusting each other sounds super easy, right? It really isn’t. Especially for a long distance relationship, like we had for a long while before moving in together. Why do they love me? What do they see in me? It’s okay to be reassured on these, it really is. But it’s important to understand that you need to trust in them. Trust in their judgment, and in what they saw in you. Believe they chose you because you’re you. Trust that you’re not just some side game for them while they’re looking for better out there.
And furthermore, trust yourself. I don’t know how many times I’ve told myself that I can change for someone–that I can be better for them rather than for myself. You’re already pretty awesome! If you doubt that, then do things to improve yourself as you are. Learn more, pick up your hygiene, exercise if you can, experience more in the world. You should always be looking to be better than you were–for yourself. Never change who you are for another person.
Love is not Measured in Deserving
We’re both guilty of saying this, that we don’t deserve how great the other is to us. And I think that’s fine to say–but it’s another to really deeply feel. If you truly doubt you deserve someone, you’ll start to doubt yourself and them in the little things too. I don’t think love is at all measured in how much people deserve or don’t deserve. There are a lot of amazing people out there who don’t have love, and a lot of really… less than fantastic people who are loved.
This goes hand-in-hand with trusting them. Don’t fret if you deserve them or not. They’re here now, with you–that’s what matters. Don’t sit there worried that they’re making the wrong choice by being with you instead of “obviously someone better”. There’s always someone better out there, but there’s only one you. And it’s you they love right now–so live in that moment.
Love Each Moment
Nikki and I have been together for a long time now. And, yes, we’re planning our future here and there together. But we’re also doing something critically important I feel–we’re never forgetting how important the little stuff is. Each and every moment together is a memory to treasure and cherish. From helping out on the dishes, laundry, and cleaning. To making stupid jokes while we’re cleaning up for the work day. Being there ready to hug her when she gets home from work, helping each other out with the animals. Waking up when she’s rolled over and smacked my face so I can cover her back up and get back to sleep with her warmth at my back.
I love thinking about five, ten, twenty, and more years from now, I do. But I love even more the previous second, the current, and the next. Seeing all sorts of different sides of her and getting to know her more, as I teach her more about myself. Loving her for who she is, and trusting that she loves me for who I am. I dunno what I did to deserve her, and that absolutely doesn’t matter–because I’m going to love her all the same.
Happy adventuring… and I love you, Nikki!!