Transition Anxiety

Transition Anxiety

Tomorrow is the day I begin my medical transition. As of this post I’m already less than 24 hours to go, so I guess these memes are stale. Oh well!

What Will Happen?

Honestly… pushing to make that phone call to Planned Parenthood was way worse than what I’m feeling now. Turning a hopeful wish into an inevitably has really helped keep me calm for the most part. That said, sure, I’m pretty anxious about what all is going to happen. But it doesn’t make much sense to catalog every single day. When you’re around a kid or a pet who is growing up, you never notice the small details. Someone who hasn’t seen them in months? Holy heck!

I’ll be focusing more on my life from tomorrow on. At least now I’ll have a bit more confidence in the path my body is taking. We’re going to be making use of our gym memberships. Even though spiro kind of necessitates it, I’ll be drinking way more water. With a routine medicine schedule I can easily throw in my multi-vitamins and be good on those finally. General health upkeep should skyrocket even just from what we’ll be doing for this. And transition itself comes with mental and physical health benefits! Well, benefits for someone like me anyway. I remember my first doctor asked, “Why would you want those?” Uh… well…

What About Coming Out?

That’ll be a while! My plan right now is to present male as long as I possibly can. And given the skills of our trans male brothers, it shouldn’t be impossible. It all depends on that whole “Your Mileage May Vary” aspect of puberty. Though just in case, I have already written a draft version of a Facebook post I intend to make sometime. The reason I haven’t yet is that it also involves coming out to Nikki’s Dad, her other sister, and some of my office mates. She should be given full permission on that timing, and I don’t want to unnecessarily accelerate my work plans either.

With work, I’m going to eventually tell my HR manager in confidence. Either someone has been ahead of me with this and they already have a policy, or I’ll be working with them to make it. Given my work has always taken insurance plans that cover transition completely, I want to bet someone has either taken the steps already or HR is just ‘woke AF’. Even here I fully intend on presenting male until such time as I make the switch publicly.

There’s a few people I think I might be concerned with, but over the years the really bad ones have either left or gotten fired. So who knows what might happen here? In the worst case, I might end up transferred out somewhere else. As long as I can keep my employment and pay, everything’ll be fine.

Finally, there’s my Dad. He’s been pretty anti-trans, especially with how prevalent the topic comes up on the news. Sure, he might very well surprise me and flip a total 180 once he finds out he’s got a daughter. Or he might just go into the self-blame state as to having failed both of his kids. That’s entirely on him, I figure. I don’t intend on pushing my family away like my older brother did, but I’m also not going to let him get the best of me. I’ve had this fear that he might do something stupid to himself upon learning. But… he’s also told me that how I feel matters to him, and he’s asked for my opinion on many things he’s never even told my Mom. So who knows?

Back to Regular Schedule

Hopefully I’ll be able to keep to my idea of posting these thoughts on Tumblr instead! It’s just been a super big thing lately and posting in the “big blog” about it seems fair. I can say that, at the very least, I’ll be talking eventually about my appointment tomorrow. And bringing up anything else big that happens along the way.

As for the memes, Ferris of Re:ZERO who apparently is canonically trans thanks to information from a spin-off novel about her. Then of course Ranma who… isn’t trans herself (or himself, in male form) but definitely helped a lot of people figure themselves out. Myself included, to some degree! Then finally Tsuyu from Boku no Hero Academia. She’s not canonically trans, but given Class 1-A lacked girls, Horikoshi re-designed her original male concept as female. And given there are frogs who change gender for a multitude of reasons, well, head-canon is roaring.

Anywho, happy adventuring!

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